Christian Friendship – Do We Choose Our Friends?

Christian Friendship – Do We Choose Our Friends?

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“It is by chance that we met, by choice that we became friends.”  — Henri Nouwen

 

Two ancient pearls of wisdom seem to contradict each other. On the one hand, we hear that we should choose our friends wisely. On the other hand, there is a general belief that we don’t choose our friends. They just happen to be the people that enter our lives.

Do we choose our friends? I was just thinking about this with the men’s group I’m in. One of our members may be moving away. We were talking about how strange God’s will can seem – bringing us all together as friends only to separate us within a year. John – the guy who is leaving – made the comment, “Well I guess what’s important is that we’re brothers in Christ. If we’re not together much here, we know we’ll be together in Heaven, right?”

That got me thinking about all of the brothers and sisters in Christ that I’ve never met in this world. Yet I’ll know them in Heaven. That’s pretty cool to think about.

As G.K. Chesterton wrote,

The love of those whom we do not know is quite as eternal a sentiment as the love of those whom we do know. In our friends the richness of life is proved to us by what we have gained; in the faces in the street the richness of life is proved to us by a hint of what we have lost.

 

 

 

 

 

Who we know in this world is most certainly God’s will. But we always have to keep in mind that God has the eternal view. We have the limited view. Keep that in mind while we discuss choosing our friends.

In our narrow view of life, we sometimes think that we have no choice about who our friends are. We accept whomever “fate” pits in our way or we stay lonely. Well, that’s partially true. But the other part of the truth is that God’s will is always exercised in our free choice. We need to choose our friends. That choice is most often exercised in weeding out people who are not good for us. Remember that friendship is an investment if it’s going to be a vital and growing relationship. And we should only invest in relationships that are going to be good for us. That doesn’t mean that we are not called to love everyone God brings into our lives. The question is how much we invest in a personal relationship with a person.

Here are some guidelines for choosing your friends:

1. Choose friends who bring out the best in you.

Some people bring out the best in us. Others drag us into the gutter. If you’re hanging around people who gossip or complain, who are negative, or (especially) who are strongly attracted to sin do not spend your time with them! Spend time with people who lift you up, keep you positive, and lead you to goodness.

2. Choose friends who support and nurture your relationship with God.

There is no better friendship than one in which both people are seeking to love as Jesus loves. Seek out friends who are friends of God. Find people you can talk about God with, who can disciple you and be discipled by you. Rest in the knowledge that your love for each other is nested in the love of God.

3. Choose friends with a great desire for truth and goodness.

Some people just exist. Other people suck the marrow out of life, getting all of the goodness out of life that they can. When this second kind of person also acknowledges the divine Source of goodness, you have the makings of a friend to treasure. The same is true of truth – invest in friends who are active, excited, adventurous learners, especially those who recognize that all truth comes from God and knowing truth leads to knowing God. Friends who desire truth and goodness make life an adventure.

4. Choose friends who are as willing as you to invest in the relationship.

Saint Paul tells us not to be unevenly yoked. He is talking specifically about a Christian marrying a non-Christian. But the same can be true of friendship. Invest in people who are equally willing to invest themselves in the relationship. To invest in a relationship with someone who is not willing to invest equally is a recipe for being used and neglected. Friendship is an ongoing reciprocal choice to give and receive each other.

5. Choose friends who are willing to challenge you and keep you accountable.

Honesty is an important part of intimacy. And friends who are honest with you are also friends who will hold you accountable. If they love you, they will accept you even with your faults, but they will also be excited about helping you to become a better person.

These are just five criteria to help you decide what kind of people you should invest yourself in as friends. Again, if you choose not to invest in someone as a friend, it doesn’t mean that you’re refusing to love. It just means that you are not going to fully invest yourself in trust, intimacy, commitment, and love. Friends are a school of love. Choose friends that will teach you most effectively.

What other criteria would you recommend for choosing your friends? Please share in the comments below.

Bottom Line

The bottom line is that even our friendships are part of our spiritual lives. When our lives are centered on God, everything becomes part of our faith. If you’d like to learn more about living with God at the center of your life and growing in holiness as a layperson, I want to invite you to explore the opportunity below to get more involved with From the Abbey. I want to help you live for Christ in every dimension of your life, including your friendships!

Brought to you by Jeffrey S. Arrowood at From the Abbey, dedicated to helping you rediscover the JOY of learning and living your faith so you can grow in intimacy with God.

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2 Comments

  1. Jo on August 6, 2014 at 9:11 pm

    Thanks for sharing this! I will share it with my kids!

  2. Jo on August 6, 2014 at 9:11 pm

    Thanks for sharing this! I will share it with my kids!

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