Thu 18 Sep, 2008
A participant of one of our “Teaching the Way of Love” programs for parents told me about the family of her son’s girlfriend. In the desire to keep their daughter pure, the girlfriend’s parents have put some major restrictions on her dating behavior. One of these restrictions is that she is not allowed to kiss until her wedding day. The program participant wanted to know if I felt that was a reasonable restriction and also what advice I could give for her son in dealing with his girlfriend’s restrictions.
My response to her first question was, “Well, it depends.” Here’s the reasoning process I shared with her. The virtue of temperance has two sides to it. On one hand, it keeps us from abusing or overindulging in the enjoyment of physical goods. On the other hand, it forbids us to disdain physical goods. All physical goods and the ability to enjoy them are signs of God’s love for us. We are meant to enjoy them. However, we must always remember that the most important thing is the love of the Giver, not the gift itself. Temperance helps us to find this balance of proper enjoyment of the good things of this world.
When it comes to chastity (a virtue that falls under the more general virtue of temperance), one guideline that helps us to find this balance is the fact that touch is a form of communication. The level of physical touch in which a couple engages should accurately reflect the level of intimacy (knowledge of each other), trust and commitment they have built in the relationship. To touch each other in ways that communicate more intimacy, trust and commitment than actually exists in the relationship would be to use your body to lie, which damages the relationship because intimacy, trust and commitment can only flourish in the presence of truth. The most intimate forms of touch need to be saved for marriage because the level of intimacy they communicate is only possible in context of a publicly avowed permanent, total and life-giving relationship (and only by the sacramental grace granted to us through the sacrament of marriage).
On the other hand, if a relationship has reached a certain level of intimacy, commitment and trust, it is proper and good for that intimacy, commitment and trust to be communicated by appropriate touching. Kissing, holding hands, stroking the cheek, touching the face & head – all of these are intimate forms of touch that are appropriate before marriage when they are accurately reflect the relationship.
In addition to the accurate communication guideline, a couple should also be careful not to ignite more sexual passion than they can control without getting frustrated. This is another problem with the most intimate forms of touch. An engaged couple may accurately communicate their level of intimacy, trust and commitment when they engage in the most intimate forms of touch (short of sexual intercourse), but when this kind of touching does not lead to completion of the sexual act, sexual frustration results. Exciting sexual passions that cannot be fulfilled is not a loving thing to do.
So, kissing before marriage can be appropriate and good when it accurately communicates the nature of the relationship and is not done purely for pleasure and thrill. However, kissing before marriage is not always necessary – as long as the couple communicates the true nature of their relationship in other ways. Kissing is not the only way to express love.
There are a number of reasons why a couple may choose not to kiss before their wedding day. For example, a couple close to marriage who find it increasingly difficult to control their passion for each other may decide not to kiss, so as not to ignite their passion until their wedding night. Even before they are engaged, individuals may know that they are excited to passion very easily, and so may decide not to engage in kissing. However, as a true and accurate communication of the nature of a relationship, kissing is a good that should not be despised.
Finally, we must always remember that human beings are persons to be loved, not things to be used. When we engage in any form of touch only because of the pleasure or thrill, we are using each other as objects. Pleasure is a good, created by God, but it is meant to accompany and to enhance the true purpose of touch – communication of love. Enjoying pleasure is not sinful, but seeking pleasure for its own sake without caring about the person you are receiving the pleasure from is like obsessing over the gift but completely forgetting about the giver.
Author’s Note
Celibacy and fasting are not examples of despising a good. In these practices, sex and food respectively are seen as a good, but they are sacrificed for the sake of attaining higher goods. To despise a good means to see it as evil. Someone who sees sex as evil is not truly living the celibate life. Someone who sees food as evil cannot truly fast.
These books from the From the Abbey bookstore are great aids for teaching young people about God’s plan for sexuality.
God’s Plan for You presents Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body to teenagers. David Hajduk explains the plan of love that God has for each of us and how our bodies and our sexuality figure into that love. $16.11
Talking to Youth about Sexuality, a Parents’ Guide was developed with parents, doctors, educators, and catechists. This valuable guide helps you answer questions and encourage meaningful conversations with teens about the beauty and dignity of human sexuality and the value of self-discipline, purity, and chastity. $6.64
If either of the above items are out of stock, fill out a special order form and we’ll order them for you!
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Enjoying the Gift but Loving the Giver More - Gaudium Veritatis says:
[...] Sex before marriage would be seen as ripping into the gift early, without regard to the giver (since it does not yet reflect the true commitment of married love). However, the gift of one’s sexuality (the ability to give and receive love as a man or as a [...]