Mon 12 Feb, 2007
Thanks to Susan Kuchinskas for her wonderful comment on “The Myth of Chastity?” I encourage all of my readers to check it out. Susan verifies that there is some scientific verification of the effects of oxytocin, but not on any tolerance effects. However, even if extramarital sex would not create a tolerance effect to oxytocin, I still think it is possible that it could damage our overall ability to bond with our spouse. Susan proposes that perhaps a change in cultural norms have led to changes in parenting, resulting in choices and behaviors that do not promote bonding. My reasons also turn from biological to psychological. Again, I have no actual scientific proof, and would love input from anybody more cognizant than I am.
An unmarried couple engaged in sex has a lot of bonding being communicated on various levels. Oxytocin contributes a biological and emotional bonding effect. Being naked and vulnerable to each other creates a strong emotional and cognitive bonding effect. The meaning of the sexual act – which is more than simply, “I love you,” but also, “I love you and commit myself to spending the rest of my life with you to raise a family” – contributes an intellectual and fully human sense of bonding. All of this works together to make sexuality an incredibly powerful communication of love and commitment.
Now that couple breaks up, or moves on from a one-night-stand, and perhaps experiences the same sense of bonding with another partner. Especially if this is repeated over and over again, doesn’t it seem likely that a person may experience a psychological tolerance to the bonding effect? A person would come to consider the emotional sense of bonding – cognitively or subconsciously – as just part of the sexual thrill. Or perhaps the person would start to believe the lie he or she has told with his or her body over and over again that the sexual act really means nothing. “Tomorrow or next year I’ll just find someone else to experience this with, and it will mean nothing more with him or her than it did with the person I’m having sex with now.”
Again, even without scientific proof that such an effect actually exists, it seems logical that making choices that oppose the natural tendency to bond during sex would have detrimental psychological effects. It makes enough sense to make Ellen Goodman’s scoffing seem ridiculous, at least until science can prove it wrong.
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